Regret
by ijustkeepswimming
Summary: Charlie is reflecting on her life after learning that Angelo cheated on her...


_Hi everyone. Here is a random one-shot for you. It's a stream of consciousness rambling from Charlie's perspective. I read the new spoilers today that Angelo is going to make a hurtful confession to Charlie, after he 'picks up more than he bargained for when he stops to help a motorist'. I'm desperately hoping that whatever it is will give Charlie the kick up the butt she needs in order to get rid of him once and for all. I keep campaigning for Joey to return but really, the most important character return the show needs is Charlie's Dignity! Followed very closely by Joey!_

_Anyway, for the purposes of this story, I have made up what Angelo's confession is, broke them up and now Charlie is musing over where she has been and where she is going. I hope you like it! Love, IJKS xxx_

**Regret**

I have no idea what I am supposed to be saying or doing right now. I have no idea how I am supposed to feel. I thought I'd be angry, tearful... But I'm just empty. I'm void of all emotion and instead of focussing on the situation in hand, I can't help sifting through the past. Angelo confessed to cheating on me tonight. He said it was a moment of madness. He said it was a mistake. He said he was sorry and he didn't know what had possessed him. He said all the things that I said in April last year. And that's what I can't stop thinking about. I should be focussing on Angelo hurting me. I should be ranting and raving, feeling bitter and betrayed but I don't. He's the last thing on my mind.

I have made so many mistakes in my life. I lied to Ruby for sixteen years about being her mother instead of her sister and we're trying hard but nothing will ever really be the same again. We had a nice day yesterday though. She's coming through all her recent problems really well and she asked me to teach her to drive. I was worried in case we rowed but we had a great time. It was so wonderful to spend time with her. And I feel terrible for the way I have neglected her recently. I miss her. I miss what we used to have. I want it back. Maybe if I'm not with Angelo, I can focus on my daughter, the way I should have been all along. I want to be her Mum. I want to be wonderful for her. But I keep falling short.

I liked to think that I was always pretty independent but in the harsh light of day, I don't think I am. At least, I don't think I have been. I'm sitting here now and wondering what I have become. Angelo and I have had this crazy, tumultuous relationship for just over a year now. He dumped me when he found out about Joey being a girl, saying that he couldn't be with someone who didn't open up to him the way he needed her to. So I told him about the rape and about Ruby's conception and we drew closer together again. Then, when Grant was killed and we were both under suspicion, we broke up again because Robertson revealed that Angelo had been lying to me and to everyone since he returned to the Bay. It hurt. But we worked through it.

We were pretty tight after that, pretty solid. I mean, we were busy investigating Hugo and then I nearly died. I was struggling with my fractured relationship with Ruby and he was there for me. He was pretty lousy when it came to supporting me through my nightmares after Hugo kidnapped me but he's always been a little selfish and I accepted that about him. Then he wanted to get serious. I guess all that time, I had been coasting along in our relationship, not looking to the future. I was comfortable without committing long term. But he wanted more and I panicked. We split up again.

I went into counselling for commitment phobia. I found that Angelo was the only person I talked about. Well, I did talk about other partners but I know I missed someone out. I've barely been able to talk about Joey in all this time. It's too hard. I get too tearful and that embarrasses me. And in the meantime, Angelo was going a little nuts. He spied on me. And I was furious with him at first. It actually frightened me, the extremes he would go to in order to know what I was doing and who I was seeing. But nobody else seemed fussed so I figured I was overreacting. It got laughed off as some kind of romantic comedy error and I felt stupid for being hurt. And he was so sincere in his apology.

We were friends again and I was sure that's how it would stay. But Angelo made it pretty clear that he still wanted to be with me. The pressure was mounting and I didn't know what to do. I saw a different counsellor and she basically told me that if I didn't take him back, someone else would steal him away from me. I know this is wrong but I dated him again because I didn't want to be alone. Things haven't exactly been bad with him. They've been rocky but they've been nice enough in parts and I do think he's a good guy. Well, I did then, anyway. So, we got back together and I even told him that I loved him. And I think I meant it. But that's the thing... that's why this whole situation is so messed up.

I hate the person I have become. I didn't even see it happening but somewhere along the way in the last year or so, I've lost my identity. I don't know who I am anymore. I'm not even sure I know who I want to be. All I know is that when I look back on the last few months, I don't recognise myself.

Once upon a time, I would have laid my life down for my daughter. I still would. But she was going through hell and I didn't even know about it. Even when Irene told me as much, I still wasn't listening. It took Liam bringing her round to me, drunk and depressed, for me to actually pay attention to what she was going through. I helped then. She went for residential counselling but still I wonder if I couldn't have done more to protect her. I feel like I've failed her. I haven't supported her the way I should have. I've let her down yet again and I want to make things right.

And once upon a time, there is nothing that would have made me break the rules at work. I mean, I know I took Joey into my home and my heart when I shouldn't have really done that, but that was different. That wasn't hurting anyone. But I knew Angelo had let Martha and Hugo go. I knew it and I didn't say anything. I just helped him cover. And then I let him walk away from his job alone. He should have left the force. He had made one mistake too many. And really, he'd made the last mistake a long time ago. But perhaps I should have walked too. Perhaps I'm not fit to be a police officer either. This latest thing surely proves that. I wanted to use that evil, evil money to save Angelo's restaurant. I wanted to do something that would absolutely horrify me and set me on my soap box on a different day. But I wanted to do it. I was so blinded by this obsessive relationship with Angelo, that I was prepared to do anything.

I mean, what do I even do away from Angelo? Not so long ago, I was getting so upset because he was working too hard and I never saw him. When did I get so needy? So clingy? When did I stop relishing my independence and enjoying time to myself, time to my friends? When did my world start revolving around my boyfriend?

And now it's over. Again. But there are no tears this time. There's not even any obvious grief. It's like something broke inside of me today and rather than feeling like the world has ended, it just feels like it's changed. I feel like I have been living in some kind of trance for the last however long and now I'm out of it and faced with my reflection. And I don't like what I see. I've let my world revolve around Angelo to the detriment of everything else in my life. But I don't think it was even about him. I think it was about my own dissatisfaction with myself, trying to hide away from my mistakes, and being terrified of being alone. And he didn't even deserve it. He threw our relationship away in one afternoon. This whole relationship has been about him and he didn't even care.

And that brings me back to Joey. Everything brings me back to Joey. I try to block her out but she's in everything I do. I always have that regret at the back of my mind. She had been to hell and back and I was meant to be helping her recover. I was meant to be making things better for her. I know more than anyone just how hard it is to trust someone with your heart after that kind of trauma, that kind of hurt. She was raped and she was nearly killed. I should have been taking care of her and I just made everything worse. I messed her around and I broke her heart. And why? Because I was afraid of being called a lesbian. I've been called far worse than that since and I coped. Would it really have been so awful? Retrospectively, no, it wouldn't. Instead of panicking about the fact that I was in love with a woman, I should have just considered myself lucky that someone as good, and pure and beautiful and wonderful as Joey Collins could even have looked at me.

I let Joey down and I let her go and while I have done everything I could think of to try and forget her, not a day has gone by when I haven't missed her. I wish so much that I could go back in time and take it all back. If I could, I would. I wish I could go back to that moment on the boat, when I knew I was falling for her, and do it all properly. I wish I could do it all right.

So now, sitting here with another failed relationship behind me, I'm wondering what to do next. Do I cling onto a man who has hurt me and betrayed me? A man that no matter how hard I've tried, I know I could never love the way he wants me to? Or do I take this moment to break free and start again?

I'm going to do the latter. Angelo and I... we just damage each other. I need to figure out who I am. I need to focus on work and making up for the mistakes I've made there. I need to concentrate on being a good cop and serving my community. And I need to make things work with Ruby. I need to be her mother and have fun days with her like I did yesterday, teaching her to drive. Perhaps then, when I'm good enough, when I've done enough to prove myself, she might trust me enough to move back in. Then we can be happy again. And then, when I'm ready, when I know I can be a good person, I'm going to find the love of my life. I'm not sure how she feels about me now. The fact that she's refused contact and never came home doesn't really bode well, but I know I have to try. I have to become the person she always thought I was. I have to be the woman she fell in love with. I have to fix myself and start again. I have show Joey Collins that she is my everything, that I love her, and that I want to make things work between us. I have to prove myself and make sure that I get it right. I just hope that I've woken up in time. I just hope I'm not too late.


End file.
